I am cold. *shivers* I am outside. Took a short walk, looked at the stars. It was somewhat clear out. There were a lot of bright ones out, and just a lot in general. For the first time in a while though, I didn’t see the little dipper. I don’t know what that means. *shivers* I like looking up at the stars; it reminds me of gentle nights I used to have. It is so peaceful just looking up at the stars, trying to make sense of it all, or nothing at all. I feel…free. Then I look around and realize nothing has changed. I am still here, laying in my driveway, my boring house just steps away. I guess all that star gazing is just for the movies. Well then again, they are usually looking at them with someone.
Maybe it makes all the difference. But what if someone is looking up at the same sky, the same stars, for the same reason, the same thoughts in their head. Is it similar to looking up at the stars with that person, even though you are not next to them? Then, what if that person is thinking the exact same thing as me, but yet we never cross paths, our lives never interact. As if it was a complete stranger with nothing in common. Is it really the same then? No, only if that knowledge is there, that connection, the puzzle piece that belongs next to you. That is only when it wouldn’t matter if you were or were not next to them while looking up at the stars.
I wonder if that person is. They are just a person right now, nothing more. Maybe a friend. A friend that I feel I have an odd connection with. A friend that…well there is just a feeling in my stomach, it is so odd… Why is there so much in common? Is there really anything in common though? I know there is, it is just too odd, but yet…it is attracting me, like a magnet. I don’t have a problem with that though. It might be good for me. Would it be good for me? Would it be safe? Rejection, what I fear most, the reason I don’t try. That and just not really thinking stuff through before I say it. I always do that, ruin it for myself, and I really put myself in the gutter when I do it too. Like I am doing now. Something was misunderstood, taken out of perspective. I did something though. I know I did, I had to have. Maybe I am over-reacting. Maybe it is nothing.
But why the bolted door in front of me and I am standing out in the cold, the dark, the mysteriousness of what is actually happening on the other side. Maybe they aren’t ready. Maybe there isn’t enough trust, or trust at all. How can you really get trust without giving someone a chance to begin with though. I just want a chance. I want to make a difference. I want to help. It might help them, and me at the same time. Trade information, stories, life tales. I want to give my trust, but would I get it back in return? Is it bad to ask for a story? I don’t want to get the cold sholder and then feel bad, but I want to help. I don’t like giving that “ohh, I’m sorry,” so I probably won’t do that, don’t worry. I am most curious about how much in common we actually have. I have a feeling it is a lot more than I can think of. Mindset maybe…family style. I don’t know, but hope I can find out. If not, I will be okay. I always find a way to supress everything anyway.
I am still cold, writing this all outside while glancing up at the stars. I hope someone else is too.