pliSkiNAKE

Well school started Tuesday. I am officially overwhelmed with school, work, commuting, and now more family….concerns? I spend over 4 hours a day commuting to work/school: get up at 5:30, leave at 6am to catch a 6:11 or 6:22 train. Get to the city about 7:10 and to work about 7:50 or so. Sometimes I work for 3 hours, other times 4 hours before leaving an hour early before I have to be in class. All my classes are at least 3 hours long. Then if it isn’t Wednesday, I go BACK to work after class so I can finish anything else that isn’t done and more so just to get hours. Today I was just given a 5 page critical essay that is due next Friday. I am glad I pretty much finished all my homework for my other classes because adding this was like dropping an ACME safe on my head.

I spent today’s train ride home finishing up 97% of my homework from my favorite class. I don’t know how late I will be up working on this new project, but I hope to maybe finish 25% of it. I hope so. I need to or else I am going to start doing bad things (and bad things don’t help me in ANY way get my homework done, nor help me relax but takes place of relaxing). Then, my mom called me (and my sister later) telling me about something that came in the mail dealing with my dad. Let’s just say my mom will be driving him for a while, a WHILE. But before that she has to take his name off of car titles and put mine on there. She has NO clue how to do that (and neither do I for that matter). My dad is, um…..well he is “in” for the weekend and my mom won’t be able to talk to him till Monday morning when she picks him up. My mom is really stressing over things in a way where I feel bad. But now there isn’t anything I can really do. I don’t even have enough time to eat right, sleep enough, or possibly finish my homework on time. I have even cut my hours down to as little as I need to get done what needs to be done.

I am dieing slowly. Why did the family thing have to get added to all this?

After production today I saw Chelsea there. It has been a while since I have seen her. Only sometimes when I go do Shelton’s job up at South Barrington do I get to see her. It reminded me of old times when she would be there every Thursday and Sunday morning, brightening up the day for people. I miss her, she was so cool. I also Miss Bill. I was trying to keep in touch with him, have lunch every so often but it stopped happening. I will try and email him in the next few days. Maybe we can still have lunch, or dinner or something soon. I want us to catch up on a few things…okay a lot of things. *sigh* Good times gone by.

I thought that Philip (well the bottom of Philip) might pull through, but no. The very base of him bent over and I guess it was becoming hollow whereas the upper part was still somewhat solid and sturdy. I had to take him outside and throw him into the garden near some other plants. I miss him. I can’t even seem to keep a cactus. *sigh* Enough downers, where in the hell are the uppers for me huh? This sucks. I am going to bed.

Poor Philip. Philip was the name of my cactus that sat in my window. My dad came into my room this morning around 9:30 to open my window. He was turing on the house exhaust fan. I have a thick black curtan over my window and Philip sits on a metal homemade shelf. I guess my dad didn’t know he was there, went to open the curtain and knocked him over. Philip fell over and….and broke in half. I know it was an accident. My dad probably feels really bad about it. I woke up right away to help clean up the mess of dirt and such. I still have to do more cleaning of it but that won’t happen until Monday after school. I don’t know if I could care Philip back to life or not. He has two little spurts of cacti coming up beside him that might still make it. I tried Googling something but I couldn’t find anything.

Obituary:
Philip (cactus) died this morning at 9:31am in Winfield, Illinois. He died from a karate chop (slight hand movement) to the abdomin in which he fell over and broke in half. Philip was in his familys house. We will miss him dearly.

Sandy Schomig, Jack Schomig’s wife, died this morning/last night. Jack Schomig is doing alright, but of course it is hard for him. It was something that they have been preparing for for a while now. A memorial visitation will be held at Hultgren Funeral home in Wheaton on Friday April 13th from 3-9pm; there will be a memorial service at Wheaton Bible Church In Wheaton on Sunday April 15th at 4:00pm.
Here is a link to the Obituary posted on the Hultgren Website which also has those times and places.

http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=105909&fh_id=10184

Sandy was an awesome woman. She cared for many people and Jack cared for her. We will miss her dearly.

I can’t say what I want to say because I know I shouldn’t. It would be bad to say it. It might even undo things that took a long time to fix to begin with. I am even having a hard time NOT saying it, so as to not ruin it. It is one of those things you really want to say just for the fact that it is out of YOUR system and that someone else knows it. What I don’t know is what type of response I would really want anyway. So saying it would really put me on the spot, thinking, “wait, what type of answer do I really want?” Even if I did think of something, would it really help in the long run? Or would it be more of a short term gratification if you would? For the most part (and I mean most of the time) I am always chosing answers that help me in the long run. So why would I ever want someting so bad when everyway I think of it, it only helps me short term, or “satisfies” me NOW and not LATER? I guess this all means NOTHING to ANYONE unless they know how I think, and what I am thinking about, and what I usually think about. Yet I still keep typing it hoping someone could decode this…this “nonsense.” And then, if they could, it might undo what took a long time to fix to begin with…*unsatisfied look**locks computer, turns off monitor and light, and snuggles next to Biger*

“Well they finally did it….they killed my car.” My car died. I didn’t think it was going to make it through April but I thought it was going to last a little longer. It died on 88 while coming back from taking Jon to the hospital and coming back from my sister’s house. I know it needed some oil. I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. I really liked my car. I will take pictures of her and put them up here soon. Poor thing. I did get another car though. It is a Pontiac Bonneville, 2001. It is a forest green color. Pretty nice, and the price was right. just over 98,000 miles. It is not a hotrod or anything but I like it. I named it Dublin. I will also post pictures of the new car as well in a few days.

I just finished writing somewhere. It was needed I think, and long overdue. I don’t think it helped me organize everything but it got the immediate stuff on paper. When I went out to walk, it was a clear night. I could see the stars. Earlier that night I saw the little dipper. I couldn’t see it when I left the last time though but I knew it was there. I was sort of chilled to begin with but was reluctant to go back for a coat. Instead I was thinking that I just would walk there, remember, and then walk back. However, I somehow decided to pull out the journal and write. When I first pulled it out, I started flipping through the pages to find the end. It was so…familiar but I still felt I was looking at someone elses diary. Finally I found the page I left off on and began to write. That is all I did. The walk home was cold, cold like it usually is now, and every time since thereafter. I am not trying hard enough, so I can not complain about anything. All I can do is pitty my orneriness to let go. These lyrics just came to my head so I will end with them:

I really don’t seem to understand my own feelings very well. I can’t figure out why today doesn’t seem to be going well. Is it possible that you really don’t know why you feel bad or feel down but you definitely do? Today and yesterday. I haven’t had time either of these days to sit down and think of why I feel bad neither. Maybe I am forcing myself to now know. Does anyone remember the movie “12 Angry Men” or “12 Angry Jurors”. In that movie they talk about how the old man heard running and thumping down the hall and by the time he got to the door, even know the boy wasn’t really there, he forced himself to believe he was there; he tricked his mind in a way. Maybe that happens to everyone more often than one would think. By me saying this though….does that mean that I know what it is and that is how I am able to come to the conclusion of making myself believe? (<– did that make sense?)

I am going to the Year Zero Listening party. It will be a similar experience to the first one I went to minus one obvious thing. DAMN IT I am pissed off at myself. Fuck

So I am here at work. It is dead as hell now. I have so much trouble trying to make multiple people happy when they both want opposites. I know it can work, I just don’t know how. I try to work harder myself to make them happy, but in the end, it only works half-assed in my favor. I got ahead on break charts. *shrug* I came to work early, 3 hours early. I keep doing stupid stuff like that. I read the schedule wrong, or actually next week’s schedule. Doing all these break charts a week in advance is really messing me up I think. Well, I didn’t want to spend the time to drive home. I knew if did that, I would just sit on the computer and do stuff that wouldn’t be productive but niether would it be relaxing. Instead, I went over to borders, picked up Twilight and started reading it where I left off from my hospital trip with my sister on Thursday. I read 100 pages in 2 and a half hours. I was relaxing to me I think. This time, yes I do want to finish it. I want to be reading it right now, but I don’t want to rush anything either. I want to exhaust the book, know all the meanings, look up words I don’t know. I want to really analyze it.

I think everything was good up until Kelly got on my nerves. I know she was right, but just the way she said it made me feel like shit. It made me look stupid. She has a way with that and I hate it. I let it get to me, so that ruined the night for me I think. If she would have said it in an informational way, it would have been okay I think. oh well.

Right now I am listening to “Pink Floyd - Animals - Dogs.” The lyrics below is the part I like the best. The way it is all said and the sound of it all. I just like it a lot.

Who was born in a house full of pain
Who was trained not to spit in the fan
Who was told what to do by the man
Who was broken by trained personnel
Who was fitted with collar and chain
Who was given a pat on the back
Who was breaking away from the pack
Who was only a stranger at home