I want to go back to being a robot. I just do what I usually do: go to school, go to work, do homeowork, production, rocky, then come home and sleep. Day after day. I just did it, no questions, no complaining. I just gotta suck it up, not show anything. That way no one asks questions. If I act as if nothing is wrong, there is no issue with anything, then poeple will stop asking what is wrong. They don’t have to know anything, they don’t care anyway. No one cares anyway. No one ever really cares. Well that isn’t true, but for a lot of people most of the time….no one really cares. They are all just words: “Ohh, I’m sorry, that sucks.” “It could be worse.” and ones I really hate “Oh that happened to me too.” “I had one of those days too…” and “If it makes you feel any better, I (blah blah blah) (something that is just as bad or worse)” No it does not make me feel better. If I am talking to you about something like this you are probably a good friend. So why in the hell would your misfortune make ME feel better?! I don’t want you to feel bad. Faking my mood is a good way out. I think only one person has been able to decode that, (and it has been a while since then). We will have to see.
Archive for the Down Category
Maybe it makes all the difference. But what if someone is looking up at the same sky, the same stars, for the same reason, the same thoughts in their head. Is it similar to looking up at the stars with that person, even though you are not next to them? Then, what if that person is thinking the exact same thing as me, but yet we never cross paths, our lives never interact. As if it was a complete stranger with nothing in common. Is it really the same then? No, only if that knowledge is there, that connection, the puzzle piece that belongs next to you. That is only when it wouldn’t matter if you were or were not next to them while looking up at the stars. I wonder if that person is. They are just a person right now, nothing more. Maybe a friend. A friend that I feel I have an odd connection with. A friend that…well there is just a feeling in my stomach, it is so odd… Why is there so much in common? Is there really anything in common though? I know there is, it is just too odd, but yet…it is attracting me, like a magnet. I don’t have a problem with that though. It might be good for me. Would it be good for me? Would it be safe? Rejection, what I fear most, the reason I don’t try. That and just not really thinking stuff through before I say it. I always do that, ruin it for myself, and I really put myself in the gutter when I do it too. Like I am doing now. Something was misunderstood, taken out of perspective. I did something though. I know I did, I had to have. Maybe I am over-reacting. Maybe it is nothing. But why the bolted door in front of me and I am standing out in the cold, the dark, the mysteriousness of what is actually happening on the other side. Maybe they aren’t ready. Maybe there isn’t enough trust, or trust at all. How can you really get trust without giving someone a chance to begin with though. I just want a chance. I want to make a difference. I want to help. It might help them, and me at the same time. Trade information, stories, life tales. I want to give my trust, but would I get it back in return? Is it bad to ask for a story? I don’t want to get the cold sholder and then feel bad, but I want to help. I don’t like giving that “ohh, I’m sorry,” so I probably won’t do that, don’t worry. I am most curious about how much in common we actually have. I have a feeling it is a lot more than I can think of. Mindset maybe…family style. I don’t know, but hope I can find out. If not, I will be okay. I always find a way to supress everything anyway. I am still cold, writing this all outside while glancing up at the stars. I hope someone else is too. It’s happening again, the cycle is back with my dad. I hope it isn’t as bad this time. I need to work more, I need more classes to occupy my time. Maybe more places to go or something. I don’t want to go back down that road. Also this affects money issues for the family, the house, etc. Maybe I should move out. Maybe I shouldn’t stick it out here like I was planning on. At least I might have another person to talk about stuff with…maybe. I am hesitant. Do I know this person enough, probably not. But I feel it is still okay to talk with “them.” Maybe it would help to get to know this person more. I guess I will find out soon enough. Finals to study for right now… Some might know exactly what I am talking about, where as most have no clue. Either way, most find it stupid and question why. It was over six years ago that I had drank any alcohol; the last time being at a Rocky Horror party where I had more than a little too much. That was the reason I stopped though. Every time I would drink, whether it was a lot or not, I would never get a hangover in the morning. Most would see that as an invitation, but I saw it as a danger: coming from a family of alcoholics. Anyway, I didn’t drink for 6 years (minus a sip at my sisters Wedding in Fiji). However, while I was in Bremen, Germany, a group of us went to a “sports pub” type thing. We actually went a few times. The first time I resisted the urge to drink. It was odd though because they were incouraging me to (I went there for production reasons but it was for a church). The second time, I didn’t fair as well. I gave in and had a drink. After that, we were walking back towards our hotel and Daniel wanted us to try this restaurant, but just for the alcohol: more specifically the wine and desserts. Daniel is a German that works for Willow Creek. Only 5 of us (including him and myself) went with him. I ended up having more to drink. Towards the end of the production outage as I am calling it right now, I drank two more times; specifically because I wanted to hang around one of the girls that went with us on the trip. It was stupid of me because of course everyone on the trip (minus myself) were very religious. I was very aggravated with myself for giving into “peer pressure” when I have fought against it with little struggle. Then, on Vegan Thanksgiving (Friday before the real Thanksgiving) I gave in and drank there as well. Not nearly the same amount but still drank none the less. I am not afraid of drinking, I am just afraid of what it may lead to in the near future. Well, now I have to start again, and the beginning is always the hardest. *deep inundating sigh* Tallon is having back pains. It is with his spine and has to do with his arthritis. It isn’t very pleasent. I am just not good at the whole sympathy thing for my sister. Unrelated, but Tallon is planning on having his other hip replacement soon, but might have to wait because of the back pains. Maybe he won’ though. It is just poor timing. Roxiey and Tallon knew that his back arthritis was going to happen, but not this soon. It was supposed to happen at least a few years away. I would say that it isn’t fair to my sister. She is trying really hard to make ends meet and such. But, yeah, life isn’t fair. *shakes fist* Damn life and not following the rules. My sister was telling me that they might have to…errr….I think make it so the spine can not bend, or twist rather. This means, he cannot drive anymore, he wouldn’t even be able to turn his head left or right. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this on here. I don’t know if my sister wants me to be explaining it all. Well, I have decided: when my sister knows the date of the surgery, I am going to take off of work and sit with her in the waiting room. I guess it is going to be a little over two weeks I think. That sucks that it is so long though. I just talked with my sister and from what I understand, he can’t move his….left leg…or maybe the right one. The leg that hasn’t had the hip surgery on it yet. Whichever that one is. My sister is happy that I am keeping her company though. *sigh* Tough times for my sister….She will make it though though, same with Tallon. I hope it gets off my mind, now that I have written about it. Okay, well it still sorta stands. Tonight there will be about 9 people or so showing up from the cast to try and perform parts. No props or anything will be used. I gave them my lighting stuff to use because 2 people will be there doing lights, one being a lighting crew member. Again, most people don’t know, don’t understand, or can’t understand what all the drama/info/behind the scenes opinions and such are all about so it doesn’t make sense to people. It is just going to be really interesting I think. I think a lot is all drama. I feel rocky horror is fun. Yeah, there is a hard core cast behind a lot of it, but when it gets to the point that it isn’t even fun anymore (even if it is work), I am not going to try and cause all this drama, headach, and stress over it. No I won’t give it up completely, but I sure as hell won’t try and fight with some other management about it. We have been to other theatres before, why think that this will be the last? We will find another. Simple as that. On a side note…..Biger is snugglie. :-D Well, to make it brief because it is late, but I sorta promised to put something up before bed. There is no more rocky horror at the Hollywood Blvd. theatre. New BS rules from the owner (childish ones) forced us to either beg at their feet and take what we could get, or make somewhat of a stand and leave. I guess THAT sort of sounds childish too but if you know more of the specifics you might change your mind. Again I can explain more in detail, not now though. It doesn’t seem like people read this shit. Maybe they will now though. Hah (I try too hard, while trying towards cyberspace. Talking to a brick wall even.) Have to be at Jessie’s at 8am to unload my truck of Rocky lighting equipment. Work then at 11am. It is 3:13am. SLEEEEPPPP!!! Talking about certain stuff tonight made me think of this song, I have a few different images in my head, a few different moments I remember, where this song comes into play. It doesn’t reflect the talking I did, but just got me remembering past moments. Comfortably Numb Well, since Wednesday might be a big change in appearance, I am going to try and take LOTS of pictures tomorrow (Tuesday) after school at the Lincoln Marsh. It is hard to take pictures of yourself sometimes. I am glad I am quite flexable. I hope my battery lasts long enough bcause my extras haven’t come in the mail yet. I need some ideas for pictures as well. I know I will be having a lot of dark mood type pictures along with maybe goofy ones *shrug*. Maybe I can ask a friend of mine that took pictures for me last time. If I can ever figure out how to get this image gallery on here to work……stupid thing. Did I ever mention that I hate computers? |
I am cold. *shivers* I am outside. Took a short walk, looked at the stars. It was somewhat clear out. There were a lot of bright ones out, and just a lot in general. For the first time in a while though, I didn’t see the little dipper. I don’t know what that means. *shivers* I like looking up at the stars; it reminds me of gentle nights I used to have. It is so peaceful just looking up at the stars, trying to make sense of it all, or nothing at all. I feel…free. Then I look around and realize nothing has changed. I am still here, laying in my driveway, my boring house just steps away. I guess all that star gazing is just for the movies. Well then again, they are usually looking at them with someone.