pliSkiNAKE

I filmed the service funeral for Sandy Schomig. Jack called me and said that he might not remember everything that was said at the service for obvious reasons and asked if I could film it. Of course I did. I was feeling really aggravated when the sound coming from the audio board going to my camera was distorted though. I didn’t have enough time to try and fix it either. I had to use the on camera microphone which sucks (that goes for any on-camera microphone). It was fine though. Ben came to that, and there was food afterwards (I ate a bunch of yummy fruit). I am glad I got to talk with Ben. He is awesome. I like talking with him. My niece came afterwards when we were eating. She was very energetic. Afterwards we were wanting to do something together so we decided to go to Borders like we used to back in the day. I think Tallon was bored though, which sucks. Ben, Roxiey, and I used to go a lot. We would read books aloud, mainly sex books. Not books like a novel but books that just talks about stuff, sorta like what a magazine does. This time I showed them the Post Secrets book which is where people make/write stuff on post cards of their choosing and then mail it to them. They then make a book of it. It is pretty cool. Some are more personal than others, most are funny though.

My hair is going to be gone by Tuesday night. I need to take pictures. I might try and do that tonight, or leave it for tomorrow because it is sorta late as it is. As much as I never know how to look/dress/pose/facial expressions in pictures which makes it better for me to take them alone so as to not feel nervous or embarrassed, I wish someone would help me (or want to help me). Maybe I just want to have someone to hang out with. *shrug* Only can blame myself I guess.

Sandy Schomig, Jack Schomig’s wife, died this morning/last night. Jack Schomig is doing alright, but of course it is hard for him. It was something that they have been preparing for for a while now. A memorial visitation will be held at Hultgren Funeral home in Wheaton on Friday April 13th from 3-9pm; there will be a memorial service at Wheaton Bible Church In Wheaton on Sunday April 15th at 4:00pm.
Here is a link to the Obituary posted on the Hultgren Website which also has those times and places.

http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=105909&fh_id=10184

Sandy was an awesome woman. She cared for many people and Jack cared for her. We will miss her dearly.

I can’t say what I want to say because I know I shouldn’t. It would be bad to say it. It might even undo things that took a long time to fix to begin with. I am even having a hard time NOT saying it, so as to not ruin it. It is one of those things you really want to say just for the fact that it is out of YOUR system and that someone else knows it. What I don’t know is what type of response I would really want anyway. So saying it would really put me on the spot, thinking, “wait, what type of answer do I really want?” Even if I did think of something, would it really help in the long run? Or would it be more of a short term gratification if you would? For the most part (and I mean most of the time) I am always chosing answers that help me in the long run. So why would I ever want someting so bad when everyway I think of it, it only helps me short term, or “satisfies” me NOW and not LATER? I guess this all means NOTHING to ANYONE unless they know how I think, and what I am thinking about, and what I usually think about. Yet I still keep typing it hoping someone could decode this…this “nonsense.” And then, if they could, it might undo what took a long time to fix to begin with…*unsatisfied look**locks computer, turns off monitor and light, and snuggles next to Biger*

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This is a hard decision again. I am cutting my hair, on the 17th of April. A few people from work are going with me/initiating it. I am hoping it is long enough to donate as well. I stopped putting it in a ponytail about 4 or 5 months ago. I was starting to like the fact that it wasn’t in a ponytail. I stopped caring if it flew all over the place. I know I am going to regret it after I first get it cut, I always do. There are a few people who really like my hair long and are not going to like me cutting it. I am sorry few people. I know you will be disappointed. Please forgive me. I hoped someone would support my long hair with me though. I am going to try and get pictures of my long hair before I cut it though. They will be up here soon. I promise.

“Well they finally did it….they killed my car.” My car died. I didn’t think it was going to make it through April but I thought it was going to last a little longer. It died on 88 while coming back from taking Jon to the hospital and coming back from my sister’s house. I know it needed some oil. I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. I really liked my car. I will take pictures of her and put them up here soon. Poor thing. I did get another car though. It is a Pontiac Bonneville, 2001. It is a forest green color. Pretty nice, and the price was right. just over 98,000 miles. It is not a hotrod or anything but I like it. I named it Dublin. I will also post pictures of the new car as well in a few days.

I just finished writing somewhere. It was needed I think, and long overdue. I don’t think it helped me organize everything but it got the immediate stuff on paper. When I went out to walk, it was a clear night. I could see the stars. Earlier that night I saw the little dipper. I couldn’t see it when I left the last time though but I knew it was there. I was sort of chilled to begin with but was reluctant to go back for a coat. Instead I was thinking that I just would walk there, remember, and then walk back. However, I somehow decided to pull out the journal and write. When I first pulled it out, I started flipping through the pages to find the end. It was so…familiar but I still felt I was looking at someone elses diary. Finally I found the page I left off on and began to write. That is all I did. The walk home was cold, cold like it usually is now, and every time since thereafter. I am not trying hard enough, so I can not complain about anything. All I can do is pitty my orneriness to let go. These lyrics just came to my head so I will end with them:

Today was sort of wasted. Went to the store with my mom: that was okay. Didn’t do to much around the house like I wanted to on my day off. I was going to have dinner with two friends, one of which blew us off. Anger was felt, words said, and we decided to go to the Diner instead. It was awesome though. I was nervous in a way, but it was cool. Before all this though I locked my keys in the car at WFM on Cicero. It took me a while but I picked it and we were off. We talked more about work stuff then went home. I am thinking about doing something Saturday that would never have crossed my mind if someone hadn’t asked me if I was going to do it. I still don’t know if I will but I might. I don’t know if it would be bad to or not. Decisions decisions. Well the day and night is over with, off to a dreamless sleep.

I really don’t seem to understand my own feelings very well. I can’t figure out why today doesn’t seem to be going well. Is it possible that you really don’t know why you feel bad or feel down but you definitely do? Today and yesterday. I haven’t had time either of these days to sit down and think of why I feel bad neither. Maybe I am forcing myself to now know. Does anyone remember the movie “12 Angry Men” or “12 Angry Jurors”. In that movie they talk about how the old man heard running and thumping down the hall and by the time he got to the door, even know the boy wasn’t really there, he forced himself to believe he was there; he tricked his mind in a way. Maybe that happens to everyone more often than one would think. By me saying this though….does that mean that I know what it is and that is how I am able to come to the conclusion of making myself believe? (<– did that make sense?)

I am going to the Year Zero Listening party. It will be a similar experience to the first one I went to minus one obvious thing. DAMN IT I am pissed off at myself. Fuck

I always seem to make someone mad. Maybe that is why I used to say I was an asshole. Oh well. Can’t change anything now. I choose what I believe is right (if that makes sense). I am tired. I want to go to bed. I think I am waiting for something. At least I feel as if I am waiting for something; something to happen. It isn’t good though. It is the anticipation and bad anticipation at that. More later maybe?