pliSkiNAKE

So I am here at work. It is dead as hell now. I have so much trouble trying to make multiple people happy when they both want opposites. I know it can work, I just don’t know how. I try to work harder myself to make them happy, but in the end, it only works half-assed in my favor. I got ahead on break charts. *shrug* I came to work early, 3 hours early. I keep doing stupid stuff like that. I read the schedule wrong, or actually next week’s schedule. Doing all these break charts a week in advance is really messing me up I think. Well, I didn’t want to spend the time to drive home. I knew if did that, I would just sit on the computer and do stuff that wouldn’t be productive but niether would it be relaxing. Instead, I went over to borders, picked up Twilight and started reading it where I left off from my hospital trip with my sister on Thursday. I read 100 pages in 2 and a half hours. I was relaxing to me I think. This time, yes I do want to finish it. I want to be reading it right now, but I don’t want to rush anything either. I want to exhaust the book, know all the meanings, look up words I don’t know. I want to really analyze it.

I think everything was good up until Kelly got on my nerves. I know she was right, but just the way she said it made me feel like shit. It made me look stupid. She has a way with that and I hate it. I let it get to me, so that ruined the night for me I think. If she would have said it in an informational way, it would have been okay I think. oh well.

Right now I am listening to “Pink Floyd – Animals – Dogs.” The lyrics below is the part I like the best. The way it is all said and the sound of it all. I just like it a lot.

Who was born in a house full of pain
Who was trained not to spit in the fan
Who was told what to do by the man
Who was broken by trained personnel
Who was fitted with collar and chain
Who was given a pat on the back
Who was breaking away from the pack
Who was only a stranger at home

I want to go back to being a robot. I just do what I usually do: go to school, go to work, do homeowork, production, rocky, then come home and sleep. Day after day. I just did it, no questions, no complaining. I just gotta suck it up, not show anything. That way no one asks questions. If I act as if nothing is wrong, there is no issue with anything, then poeple will stop asking what is wrong. They don’t have to know anything, they don’t care anyway. No one cares anyway. No one ever really cares. Well that isn’t true, but for a lot of people most of the time….no one really cares. They are all just words: “Ohh, I’m sorry, that sucks.” “It could be worse.” and ones I really hate “Oh that happened to me too.” “I had one of those days too…” and “If it makes you feel any better, I (blah blah blah) (something that is just as bad or worse)” No it does not make me feel better. If I am talking to you about something like this you are probably a good friend. So why in the hell would your misfortune make ME feel better?! I don’t want you to feel bad. Faking my mood is a good way out. I think only one person has been able to decode that, (and it has been a while since then). We will have to see.

It would be Zeke’s Birthday today (the 15th). Happy Birthday Zeke…I think you will get this. I hope. I miss you.

I am cold. *shivers* I am outside. Took a short walk, looked at the stars. It was somewhat clear out. There were a lot of bright ones out, and just a lot in general. For the first time in a while though, I didn’t see the little dipper. I don’t know what that means. *shivers* I like looking up at the stars; it reminds me of gentle nights I used to have. It is so peaceful just looking up at the stars, trying to make sense of it all, or nothing at all. I feel…free. Then I look around and realize nothing has changed. I am still here, laying in my driveway, my boring house just steps away. I guess all that star gazing is just for the movies. Well then again, they are usually looking at them with someone.

Maybe it makes all the difference. But what if someone is looking up at the same sky, the same stars, for the same reason, the same thoughts in their head. Is it similar to looking up at the stars with that person, even though you are not next to them? Then, what if that person is thinking the exact same thing as me, but yet we never cross paths, our lives never interact. As if it was a complete stranger with nothing in common. Is it really the same then? No, only if that knowledge is there, that connection, the puzzle piece that belongs next to you. That is only when it wouldn’t matter if you were or were not next to them while looking up at the stars.

I wonder if that person is. They are just a person right now, nothing more. Maybe a friend. A friend that I feel I have an odd connection with. A friend that…well there is just a feeling in my stomach, it is so odd… Why is there so much in common? Is there really anything in common though? I know there is, it is just too odd, but yet…it is attracting me, like a magnet. I don’t have a problem with that though. It might be good for me. Would it be good for me? Would it be safe? Rejection, what I fear most, the reason I don’t try. That and just not really thinking stuff through before I say it. I always do that, ruin it for myself, and I really put myself in the gutter when I do it too. Like I am doing now. Something was misunderstood, taken out of perspective. I did something though. I know I did, I had to have. Maybe I am over-reacting. Maybe it is nothing.

But why the bolted door in front of me and I am standing out in the cold, the dark, the mysteriousness of what is actually happening on the other side. Maybe they aren’t ready. Maybe there isn’t enough trust, or trust at all. How can you really get trust without giving someone a chance to begin with though. I just want a chance. I want to make a difference. I want to help. It might help them, and me at the same time. Trade information, stories, life tales. I want to give my trust, but would I get it back in return? Is it bad to ask for a story? I don’t want to get the cold sholder and then feel bad, but I want to help. I don’t like giving that “ohh, I’m sorry,” so I probably won’t do that, don’t worry. I am most curious about how much in common we actually have. I have a feeling it is a lot more than I can think of. Mindset maybe…family style. I don’t know, but hope I can find out. If not, I will be okay. I always find a way to supress everything anyway.

I am still cold, writing this all outside while glancing up at the stars. I hope someone else is too.

It’s happening again, the cycle is back with my dad. I hope it isn’t as bad this time. I need to work more, I need more classes to occupy my time. Maybe more places to go or something. I don’t want to go back down that road. Also this affects money issues for the family, the house, etc. Maybe I should move out. Maybe I shouldn’t stick it out here like I was planning on. At least I might have another person to talk about stuff with…maybe. I am hesitant. Do I know this person enough, probably not. But I feel it is still okay to talk with “them.” Maybe it would help to get to know this person more. I guess I will find out soon enough. Finals to study for right now…

I hate this blog thing. It wasn’t loading for me for a long time. I have no real use for it. I want to intigrate it more with my website. I have to find a way. There is still so much I want to do with it. I don’t have the time. My mood is reflecting the tone of this post quite a bit. I hope my server doesn’t crash like it did for a week a little bit ago.

Before I talk about what I promised in my last post, I had to talk about New Moon first. New Moon is the sequel to Twilight. I just finished reading it as well. It continues the story, for the most part, where it left off. I don’t have much time to comment on it because it being late enough for me to need to get to sleep for school in the morning. I hope I feel just as eager to express my deep feelings tomorrow. Now is the best time for them, while they are fresh, but if I do that, I would be depriving myself of much needed sleep. This is going to tear at me all night….ugggg

I am reading a book called Twilight. (yes I said reading) My sister was describing it to me because I needed a book for school. She also let me borrow her copy. I started reading and I noticed I couldn’t put the book down. I was bringing it everywhere I went. I stopped coming home and going straight to my computer. That said a lot.

It is about a girl that moved to Forks, Washington, a small town. She notices that abour 4 of the kids at the small school she is going to act sort of strange, yet they are very, very attractive. I won’t give too much away but they are vampires. That is why it intrests me so much. I love stories or movies that involve vampires. It intrigues me. I finished the book today, early this morning. After checking some internet things (email, people online, logs of many variety) my dad gave me a package that came in the mail. It was New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. I ordered it about 3 or 4 days ago. I have already gotten 4 chapers into the book. There is more to why I am talking about it though. I will explain in the next post.

Some might know exactly what I am talking about, where as most have no clue. Either way, most find it stupid and question why. It was over six years ago that I had drank any alcohol; the last time being at a Rocky Horror party where I had more than a little too much. That was the reason I stopped though. Every time I would drink, whether it was a lot or not, I would never get a hangover in the morning. Most would see that as an invitation, but I saw it as a danger: coming from a family of alcoholics. Anyway, I didn’t drink for 6 years (minus a sip at my sisters Wedding in Fiji). However, while I was in Bremen, Germany, a group of us went to a “sports pub” type thing. We actually went a few times. The first time I resisted the urge to drink. It was odd though because they were incouraging me to (I went there for production reasons but it was for a church). The second time, I didn’t fair as well. I gave in and had a drink. After that, we were walking back towards our hotel and Daniel wanted us to try this restaurant, but just for the alcohol: more specifically the wine and desserts. Daniel is a German that works for Willow Creek. Only 5 of us (including him and myself) went with him. I ended up having more to drink. Towards the end of the production outage as I am calling it right now, I drank two more times; specifically because I wanted to hang around one of the girls that went with us on the trip. It was stupid of me because of course everyone on the trip (minus myself) were very religious. I was very aggravated with myself for giving into “peer pressure” when I have fought against it with little struggle.

Then, on Vegan Thanksgiving (Friday before the real Thanksgiving) I gave in and drank there as well. Not nearly the same amount but still drank none the less. I am not afraid of drinking, I am just afraid of what it may lead to in the near future. Well, now I have to start again, and the beginning is always the hardest. *deep inundating sigh*

Tallon is having back pains. It is with his spine and has to do with his arthritis. It isn’t very pleasent. I am just not good at the whole sympathy thing for my sister. Unrelated, but Tallon is planning on having his other hip replacement soon, but might have to wait because of the back pains. Maybe he won’ though. It is just poor timing. Roxiey and Tallon knew that his back arthritis was going to happen, but not this soon. It was supposed to happen at least a few years away. I would say that it isn’t fair to my sister. She is trying really hard to make ends meet and such. But, yeah, life isn’t fair. *shakes fist* Damn life and not following the rules. My sister was telling me that they might have to…errr….I think make it so the spine can not bend, or twist rather. This means, he cannot drive anymore, he wouldn’t even be able to turn his head left or right. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this on here. I don’t know if my sister wants me to be explaining it all.

Well, I have decided: when my sister knows the date of the surgery, I am going to take off of work and sit with her in the waiting room. I guess it is going to be a little over two weeks I think. That sucks that it is so long though. I just talked with my sister and from what I understand, he can’t move his….left leg…or maybe the right one. The leg that hasn’t had the hip surgery on it yet. Whichever that one is. My sister is happy that I am keeping her company though. *sigh* Tough times for my sister….She will make it though though, same with Tallon. I hope it gets off my mind, now that I have written about it.