pliSkiNAKE

So yeah, I am moving at the end of the month or sooner. I don’t know exactly where yet but closer to work and school. It is going to be easier but harder as well. I don’t know if I can keep up with payments. I should be able to with my job. I miss people. The nothingness that happened, movies watched, walks, etc. FUCKSHHHHHhhh.

How about that new book Eclipse? Awesome. Yep. *sigh* :-) :-|

Well school started Tuesday. I am officially overwhelmed with school, work, commuting, and now more family….concerns? I spend over 4 hours a day commuting to work/school: get up at 5:30, leave at 6am to catch a 6:11 or 6:22 train. Get to the city about 7:10 and to work about 7:50 or so. Sometimes I work for 3 hours, other times 4 hours before leaving an hour early before I have to be in class. All my classes are at least 3 hours long. Then if it isn’t Wednesday, I go BACK to work after class so I can finish anything else that isn’t done and more so just to get hours. Today I was just given a 5 page critical essay that is due next Friday. I am glad I pretty much finished all my homework for my other classes because adding this was like dropping an ACME safe on my head.

I spent today’s train ride home finishing up 97% of my homework from my favorite class. I don’t know how late I will be up working on this new project, but I hope to maybe finish 25% of it. I hope so. I need to or else I am going to start doing bad things (and bad things don’t help me in ANY way get my homework done, nor help me relax but takes place of relaxing). Then, my mom called me (and my sister later) telling me about something that came in the mail dealing with my dad. Let’s just say my mom will be driving him for a while, a WHILE. But before that she has to take his name off of car titles and put mine on there. She has NO clue how to do that (and neither do I for that matter). My dad is, um…..well he is “in” for the weekend and my mom won’t be able to talk to him till Monday morning when she picks him up. My mom is really stressing over things in a way where I feel bad. But now there isn’t anything I can really do. I don’t even have enough time to eat right, sleep enough, or possibly finish my homework on time. I have even cut my hours down to as little as I need to get done what needs to be done.

I am dieing slowly. Why did the family thing have to get added to all this?

These pictures are ones from back in 2003 when I had black hair. Nothing special about the pictures; no funky editing, no special lighting (as they were takent before that knowledge), just showing off my black hair. You like?
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After production today I saw Chelsea there. It has been a while since I have seen her. Only sometimes when I go do Shelton’s job up at South Barrington do I get to see her. It reminded me of old times when she would be there every Thursday and Sunday morning, brightening up the day for people. I miss her, she was so cool. I also Miss Bill. I was trying to keep in touch with him, have lunch every so often but it stopped happening. I will try and email him in the next few days. Maybe we can still have lunch, or dinner or something soon. I want us to catch up on a few things…okay a lot of things. *sigh* Good times gone by.

Am I setting myself up for disappointment? I hope not. I don’t think I am. I just have to keep in mind what I already know is going to happen in the end. If I know what is going to happen then, and I know that now, I can’t be disappointed in the end. I do believe it is helping me proceed further and beyond what was holding me back. I don’t even feel out of place anymore. I am able to get close. Yeah, none of this is going to make sense to anyone but me (and maybe one other person). Why am I typing this?

Store opens in less than a week. It is coming up soon. Registered for classes today at Columbia College. Maybe (hopefully) hanging out with Beth Friday. Movie? Hell yeah!

Today is starting to suck already. Of course I don’t know why…errr do I? I am working on the Customer Service team today as opposed to the rest of the week and last week where I worked as SSI. It will be a long night. Maybe I just need to eat some fruit or something to wake me up. I don’t know if I felt this way before I came in to work or after I got here at 2pm. I will just look on the brighter side of every situation (like I usually try to do). I have to keep myself busy. I…….I think I know why I feel this way today. I am pretty sure I know.

I filmed the service funeral for Sandy Schomig. Jack called me and said that he might not remember everything that was said at the service for obvious reasons and asked if I could film it. Of course I did. I was feeling really aggravated when the sound coming from the audio board going to my camera was distorted though. I didn’t have enough time to try and fix it either. I had to use the on camera microphone which sucks (that goes for any on-camera microphone). It was fine though. Ben came to that, and there was food afterwards (I ate a bunch of yummy fruit). I am glad I got to talk with Ben. He is awesome. I like talking with him. My niece came afterwards when we were eating. She was very energetic. Afterwards we were wanting to do something together so we decided to go to Borders like we used to back in the day. I think Tallon was bored though, which sucks. Ben, Roxiey, and I used to go a lot. We would read books aloud, mainly sex books. Not books like a novel but books that just talks about stuff, sorta like what a magazine does. This time I showed them the Post Secrets book which is where people make/write stuff on post cards of their choosing and then mail it to them. They then make a book of it. It is pretty cool. Some are more personal than others, most are funny though.

My hair is going to be gone by Tuesday night. I need to take pictures. I might try and do that tonight, or leave it for tomorrow because it is sorta late as it is. As much as I never know how to look/dress/pose/facial expressions in pictures which makes it better for me to take them alone so as to not feel nervous or embarrassed, I wish someone would help me (or want to help me). Maybe I just want to have someone to hang out with. *shrug* Only can blame myself I guess.

I can’t say what I want to say because I know I shouldn’t. It would be bad to say it. It might even undo things that took a long time to fix to begin with. I am even having a hard time NOT saying it, so as to not ruin it. It is one of those things you really want to say just for the fact that it is out of YOUR system and that someone else knows it. What I don’t know is what type of response I would really want anyway. So saying it would really put me on the spot, thinking, “wait, what type of answer do I really want?” Even if I did think of something, would it really help in the long run? Or would it be more of a short term gratification if you would? For the most part (and I mean most of the time) I am always chosing answers that help me in the long run. So why would I ever want someting so bad when everyway I think of it, it only helps me short term, or “satisfies” me NOW and not LATER? I guess this all means NOTHING to ANYONE unless they know how I think, and what I am thinking about, and what I usually think about. Yet I still keep typing it hoping someone could decode this…this “nonsense.” And then, if they could, it might undo what took a long time to fix to begin with…*unsatisfied look**locks computer, turns off monitor and light, and snuggles next to Biger*

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This is a hard decision again. I am cutting my hair, on the 17th of April. A few people from work are going with me/initiating it. I am hoping it is long enough to donate as well. I stopped putting it in a ponytail about 4 or 5 months ago. I was starting to like the fact that it wasn’t in a ponytail. I stopped caring if it flew all over the place. I know I am going to regret it after I first get it cut, I always do. There are a few people who really like my hair long and are not going to like me cutting it. I am sorry few people. I know you will be disappointed. Please forgive me. I hoped someone would support my long hair with me though. I am going to try and get pictures of my long hair before I cut it though. They will be up here soon. I promise.