pliSkiNAKE

I just finished writing somewhere. It was needed I think, and long overdue. I don’t think it helped me organize everything but it got the immediate stuff on paper. When I went out to walk, it was a clear night. I could see the stars. Earlier that night I saw the little dipper. I couldn’t see it when I left the last time though but I knew it was there. I was sort of chilled to begin with but was reluctant to go back for a coat. Instead I was thinking that I just would walk there, remember, and then walk back. However, I somehow decided to pull out the journal and write. When I first pulled it out, I started flipping through the pages to find the end. It was so…familiar but I still felt I was looking at someone elses diary. Finally I found the page I left off on and began to write. That is all I did. The walk home was cold, cold like it usually is now, and every time since thereafter. I am not trying hard enough, so I can not complain about anything. All I can do is pitty my orneriness to let go. These lyrics just came to my head so I will end with them:

Today was sort of wasted. Went to the store with my mom: that was okay. Didn’t do to much around the house like I wanted to on my day off. I was going to have dinner with two friends, one of which blew us off. Anger was felt, words said, and we decided to go to the Diner instead. It was awesome though. I was nervous in a way, but it was cool. Before all this though I locked my keys in the car at WFM on Cicero. It took me a while but I picked it and we were off. We talked more about work stuff then went home. I am thinking about doing something Saturday that would never have crossed my mind if someone hadn’t asked me if I was going to do it. I still don’t know if I will but I might. I don’t know if it would be bad to or not. Decisions decisions. Well the day and night is over with, off to a dreamless sleep.

I really don’t seem to understand my own feelings very well. I can’t figure out why today doesn’t seem to be going well. Is it possible that you really don’t know why you feel bad or feel down but you definitely do? Today and yesterday. I haven’t had time either of these days to sit down and think of why I feel bad neither. Maybe I am forcing myself to now know. Does anyone remember the movie “12 Angry Men” or “12 Angry Jurors”. In that movie they talk about how the old man heard running and thumping down the hall and by the time he got to the door, even know the boy wasn’t really there, he forced himself to believe he was there; he tricked his mind in a way. Maybe that happens to everyone more often than one would think. By me saying this though….does that mean that I know what it is and that is how I am able to come to the conclusion of making myself believe? (<– did that make sense?)

I am going to the Year Zero Listening party. It will be a similar experience to the first one I went to minus one obvious thing. DAMN IT I am pissed off at myself. Fuck

It would be Zeke’s Birthday today (the 15th). Happy Birthday Zeke…I think you will get this. I hope. I miss you.

It’s happening again, the cycle is back with my dad. I hope it isn’t as bad this time. I need to work more, I need more classes to occupy my time. Maybe more places to go or something. I don’t want to go back down that road. Also this affects money issues for the family, the house, etc. Maybe I should move out. Maybe I shouldn’t stick it out here like I was planning on. At least I might have another person to talk about stuff with…maybe. I am hesitant. Do I know this person enough, probably not. But I feel it is still okay to talk with “them.” Maybe it would help to get to know this person more. I guess I will find out soon enough. Finals to study for right now…

Some might know exactly what I am talking about, where as most have no clue. Either way, most find it stupid and question why. It was over six years ago that I had drank any alcohol; the last time being at a Rocky Horror party where I had more than a little too much. That was the reason I stopped though. Every time I would drink, whether it was a lot or not, I would never get a hangover in the morning. Most would see that as an invitation, but I saw it as a danger: coming from a family of alcoholics. Anyway, I didn’t drink for 6 years (minus a sip at my sisters Wedding in Fiji). However, while I was in Bremen, Germany, a group of us went to a “sports pub” type thing. We actually went a few times. The first time I resisted the urge to drink. It was odd though because they were incouraging me to (I went there for production reasons but it was for a church). The second time, I didn’t fair as well. I gave in and had a drink. After that, we were walking back towards our hotel and Daniel wanted us to try this restaurant, but just for the alcohol: more specifically the wine and desserts. Daniel is a German that works for Willow Creek. Only 5 of us (including him and myself) went with him. I ended up having more to drink. Towards the end of the production outage as I am calling it right now, I drank two more times; specifically because I wanted to hang around one of the girls that went with us on the trip. It was stupid of me because of course everyone on the trip (minus myself) were very religious. I was very aggravated with myself for giving into “peer pressure” when I have fought against it with little struggle.

Then, on Vegan Thanksgiving (Friday before the real Thanksgiving) I gave in and drank there as well. Not nearly the same amount but still drank none the less. I am not afraid of drinking, I am just afraid of what it may lead to in the near future. Well, now I have to start again, and the beginning is always the hardest. *deep inundating sigh*

Here are the final 8 Pictures I promised awhile back.
{gallery}images/10-10-06-2{/gallery}

Well, I have been sick for the past few days. Also, my internet was down for about 4 days. The internet problem was quite stupid, it was accidentally disconnected from the electric pole. Those Fucking Bastards. What a waste of 4 days without internet. Anyway, I am feeling mostly better today but still have the left overs from whatever I had. I work every day through Friday. Saturday and Sunday I have off. It is going to be a busy one with it being Thanksgiving week and me working at a grocery store. Yeah, imagine that. *shrug* Not that it was good for my cold/flu/fever/whatever that I had, but two evenings ago after I got off of work, instead of going to bed right away which I should have done, I bundled up, and walked to a specific spot to write. I haven’t done that in quite some time. However, as cold as it was, it was worth it. Having thoughts flowing through my head and not getting them out either on paper or talking to someone really starts to clog up my thinking. I get irritable and pissed off easily. I am already stressed on top of it. I wrote a lot. My hands were freezing towards the end but I kept going. When I write, for the most part I don’t stop to really think about how I am writing; I just write and get it out on paper. Plus, the first things I think of and then write them down is most likely how I view that subject, the real truth about things in my mind. It was a clear night as well. While walking to the spot to write, I was looking up at all the stars. One of the first things I saw was the little dipper. Yay. There were lots of stars out. More nights like that to come.

The playing cards were on my desk this evening when I came home. How though? I don’t remember moving them from where I put them about a little over a year ago. I need to put them somewhere…safe. yeah. Bed now I guess…hopefully.

Okay, well it still sorta stands. Tonight there will be about 9 people or so showing up from the cast to try and perform parts. No props or anything will be used. I gave them my lighting stuff to use because 2 people will be there doing lights, one being a lighting crew member. Again, most people don’t know, don’t understand, or can’t understand what all the drama/info/behind the scenes opinions and such are all about so it doesn’t make sense to people. It is just going to be really interesting I think. I think a lot is all drama. I feel rocky horror is fun. Yeah, there is a hard core cast behind a lot of it, but when it gets to the point that it isn’t even fun anymore (even if it is work), I am not going to try and cause all this drama, headach, and stress over it. No I won’t give it up completely, but I sure as hell won’t try and fight with some other management about it. We have been to other theatres before, why think that this will be the last? We will find another. Simple as that. On a side note…..Biger is snugglie. :-D