pliSkiNAKE

Yeah, I have been mighty busy. Moved to the city, still do all the other stuff I did before….I will get something going soon. Stupid website not doing anything for me.

Well school started Tuesday. I am officially overwhelmed with school, work, commuting, and now more family….concerns? I spend over 4 hours a day commuting to work/school: get up at 5:30, leave at 6am to catch a 6:11 or 6:22 train. Get to the city about 7:10 and to work about 7:50 or so. Sometimes I work for 3 hours, other times 4 hours before leaving an hour early before I have to be in class. All my classes are at least 3 hours long. Then if it isn’t Wednesday, I go BACK to work after class so I can finish anything else that isn’t done and more so just to get hours. Today I was just given a 5 page critical essay that is due next Friday. I am glad I pretty much finished all my homework for my other classes because adding this was like dropping an ACME safe on my head.

I spent today’s train ride home finishing up 97% of my homework from my favorite class. I don’t know how late I will be up working on this new project, but I hope to maybe finish 25% of it. I hope so. I need to or else I am going to start doing bad things (and bad things don’t help me in ANY way get my homework done, nor help me relax but takes place of relaxing). Then, my mom called me (and my sister later) telling me about something that came in the mail dealing with my dad. Let’s just say my mom will be driving him for a while, a WHILE. But before that she has to take his name off of car titles and put mine on there. She has NO clue how to do that (and neither do I for that matter). My dad is, um…..well he is “in” for the weekend and my mom won’t be able to talk to him till Monday morning when she picks him up. My mom is really stressing over things in a way where I feel bad. But now there isn’t anything I can really do. I don’t even have enough time to eat right, sleep enough, or possibly finish my homework on time. I have even cut my hours down to as little as I need to get done what needs to be done.

I am dieing slowly. Why did the family thing have to get added to all this?

fuck shit

Well, I took a peaceful bikeride break around the neighborhood. I rode near the new overpass bridge thing for pedestrians. I even saw an old teacher from Monroe. Well, like I said, I was having a peaceful bikeride break and then an old old old friend saw me biking. It was one of those friends that I haven’t talked to in over 4 years. I havne’t talk to him in over for years on purpose because I don’t want to be friends with him. I don’t want anything to do with him. He turned around, tried to talk to me. I believe the most of what I said was hi, im busy, and whatever. I think that was it. He of course continued to try and talk to me, apologise for whatever he did to offend me, and find out where I worked. He was being forceful too.

I don’t understand how he thinks being forceful, making suggestive conversation with someone who obviously doesn’t want to be your friend, or talk to you or anything; how he things doing all of that will change my mind about being friends with him again. If anything it will just give me more of a reason to not be friends with him. Who wants to be friends with someone so forceful? I don’t know why he won’t just let it be at that. Times change. My reasons to not be friends with him don’t have to make sense to him, the fact stands that it is my decision who I want to be friends with, not theirs. It has to be a two person thing to be friends with someone. Damnit, now I really want to walk around and I can’t just because I don’t want to have to see him or ignore him again. Not that I can’t, it is just more work than it is worth and will just cause more problems.

Damn, I looked for multiple pictures to add to this post but couldn’t find one I liked or really related to it. Sorry, maybe next time.

I thought of everything I wanted to type in my post for when I got home while driving home. Towards the end of my trip home, I sorta realized that all of what I was going to say would just be bitching about myself being not assertive and instead just moping or some bullshit. I shouldn’t complain about something I don’t even try to do, or give very poor excuses as to why I don’t. Bleh fuck, sleep now, no pictures sorry.

I am exhausted. Woke up around 10. Work at 2pm. Started snowing around 7 or so. 10:45 left for Rocky. The roads were bad, so was the highway. Did rocky, it was Pirates night (quite interesting). Got out pretty early and there was no after rocky meeting. Roads/highway was still bad. Once I got home at aobut 2:30, I started shoveling my driveway. Now this snow is the wet/heavy snow. It is hard to push.

I did about 90% of the hill before my dad came out to help. We did a little more but then stopped because we are pretty sure a lot of it will melt. I moved my car to the shoveled portion and came inside, completely sopping wet from the snow, the rain, dripping from the tree, and my sweat. Then I hear from the bathroom “Good morning uncle Drew.” My niece Kalysta I guess slept over. She showed me her new doll that was given to her, and I somehow had enough energy to spin her in my computer chair with 6 stuffed animals that she wanted with her. Biger was one of two that were top on her list. I guess the new doll, or baby as she calls it, has already made friends with Biger. I knew Biger was always really friendly.

I am sorta mad at myself. While coming home, I saw a car in the ditch trying hard to get out. The truck-like vehicle in front of me slowed down and stopped to help. I was really considering doing the same…but I didn’t. I moved over and then moved back. I kept driving. Grrrr….I felt like shit. I mean, yeah I am in a car. I don’t have any ropes or chains. And the chances of even that truck managing to get the car out were slim to none. *sigh* oh well. There goes my good deed. I took out my madness and energy shoveling snow.

I am cold. *shivers* I am outside. Took a short walk, looked at the stars. It was somewhat clear out. There were a lot of bright ones out, and just a lot in general. For the first time in a while though, I didn’t see the little dipper. I don’t know what that means. *shivers* I like looking up at the stars; it reminds me of gentle nights I used to have. It is so peaceful just looking up at the stars, trying to make sense of it all, or nothing at all. I feel…free. Then I look around and realize nothing has changed. I am still here, laying in my driveway, my boring house just steps away. I guess all that star gazing is just for the movies. Well then again, they are usually looking at them with someone.

Maybe it makes all the difference. But what if someone is looking up at the same sky, the same stars, for the same reason, the same thoughts in their head. Is it similar to looking up at the stars with that person, even though you are not next to them? Then, what if that person is thinking the exact same thing as me, but yet we never cross paths, our lives never interact. As if it was a complete stranger with nothing in common. Is it really the same then? No, only if that knowledge is there, that connection, the puzzle piece that belongs next to you. That is only when it wouldn’t matter if you were or were not next to them while looking up at the stars.

I wonder if that person is. They are just a person right now, nothing more. Maybe a friend. A friend that I feel I have an odd connection with. A friend that…well there is just a feeling in my stomach, it is so odd… Why is there so much in common? Is there really anything in common though? I know there is, it is just too odd, but yet…it is attracting me, like a magnet. I don’t have a problem with that though. It might be good for me. Would it be good for me? Would it be safe? Rejection, what I fear most, the reason I don’t try. That and just not really thinking stuff through before I say it. I always do that, ruin it for myself, and I really put myself in the gutter when I do it too. Like I am doing now. Something was misunderstood, taken out of perspective. I did something though. I know I did, I had to have. Maybe I am over-reacting. Maybe it is nothing.

But why the bolted door in front of me and I am standing out in the cold, the dark, the mysteriousness of what is actually happening on the other side. Maybe they aren’t ready. Maybe there isn’t enough trust, or trust at all. How can you really get trust without giving someone a chance to begin with though. I just want a chance. I want to make a difference. I want to help. It might help them, and me at the same time. Trade information, stories, life tales. I want to give my trust, but would I get it back in return? Is it bad to ask for a story? I don’t want to get the cold sholder and then feel bad, but I want to help. I don’t like giving that “ohh, I’m sorry,” so I probably won’t do that, don’t worry. I am most curious about how much in common we actually have. I have a feeling it is a lot more than I can think of. Mindset maybe…family style. I don’t know, but hope I can find out. If not, I will be okay. I always find a way to supress everything anyway.

I am still cold, writing this all outside while glancing up at the stars. I hope someone else is too.

Before I talk about what I promised in my last post, I had to talk about New Moon first. New Moon is the sequel to Twilight. I just finished reading it as well. It continues the story, for the most part, where it left off. I don’t have much time to comment on it because it being late enough for me to need to get to sleep for school in the morning. I hope I feel just as eager to express my deep feelings tomorrow. Now is the best time for them, while they are fresh, but if I do that, I would be depriving myself of much needed sleep. This is going to tear at me all night….ugggg

I am reading a book called Twilight. (yes I said reading) My sister was describing it to me because I needed a book for school. She also let me borrow her copy. I started reading and I noticed I couldn’t put the book down. I was bringing it everywhere I went. I stopped coming home and going straight to my computer. That said a lot.

It is about a girl that moved to Forks, Washington, a small town. She notices that abour 4 of the kids at the small school she is going to act sort of strange, yet they are very, very attractive. I won’t give too much away but they are vampires. That is why it intrests me so much. I love stories or movies that involve vampires. It intrigues me. I finished the book today, early this morning. After checking some internet things (email, people online, logs of many variety) my dad gave me a package that came in the mail. It was New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. I ordered it about 3 or 4 days ago. I have already gotten 4 chapers into the book. There is more to why I am talking about it though. I will explain in the next post.

Well. I really thought I would have tome to post something before I left on my Germany trip, but it didn’t work out that way at all. I didn’t get too much computer time there either. I am back now though, and I am very tired. I do have to go to work though, to finish something up for tomorrow.